“I’ve just discovered that Asexual Awareness Week is a thing that happens in October. Therefore, I demand to be continuously celebrated for the next seven days!” I say as the week draws to a close. Time management, what’s that?
All jokes aside, I am GLAAD (overused pun, but whatever) that this something that’s celebrated because asexuality has always been one of the more invisible sexualities in the trinity of invisible sexualities. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. I straight up lifted that from Wikipedia. I tried typing down my own definition, but it turned into a long, rambly discourse. Which isn’t what I want this post to be.
But, yeah. Asexuality is a relatively simple term, but it’s something that I’ve been mulling over for the past week. It comes with a lot of misconceptions—not to mention having to mention every other kind of attraction to fully explain the whole shebang—and it’s frustrating. Which is why I dread telling people about it sometimes. I avoid it if I can get away with it, but in certain situations, the truth is bound to come out (har har) one way or another. I have a couple of friends I haven’t properly come out to. I’ve casually brought it up in the past, so I think they’re aware of what I identify with? I’m really not sure. It’s really nothing against them; I just can’t find a way to word things that won’t make them think differently about me.
Which is something I really shouldn’t be worried about in the first place because we’ve said weirder shit to each other than this. God, this is hard. I want to say stuff, but I don’t want to say too much at the same time because there’s a chance that they might read this and, I don’t know, feelings.
But on the bright side, if they are reading this, then this is me coming out to them. Perfect! Saves me time and effort.
There’s also the fact that I’ve only just realised that I can fit in between two scenes at the same time—the queer scene and the ‘norm’. I mentioned different kinds of attractions before. I’m going to touch upon two of the more . . . well-known ones, I guess you could say: sexual attraction and romantic attraction. So sexually, I’m, you know, asexual. Surprise, surprise. No attraction in that manner whatsoever. But romantically? Strictly guys. I am 100% hetero in that regard.
It’s weird. I feel like an impostor sometimes. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way because my sexuality and how I feel towards people are just as valid as any other. But it’s just, I don’t know, weird.
This just in, word of the day is ‘weird’.
Another reason I’ve been contemplating it: I’m not sure which subcategory of asexuality I’m on anymore. In the past year, I’ve been exposed to numerous situations that made me question a lot of things about myself—one of which is this (another I will potentially write in a future post)—and it hasn’t bothered me as much as it has currently.
So there are three subcategories: sex-averse (don’t want to do anything with sex and/or sexual-related things, big no-no), sex-indifferent (don’t really care, but are not opposed to it. would do it for various reasons like pleasing a partner, etc.), and sex-favourable (favours sex, probably enjoys it). Ever since I started identifying as asexual (September-ish 2014, in case you were wondering), I was sure I was on the second subcategory. That hasn’t budged until second year of university started. Now I may be leaning towards the third. Like I get the occasional urge, but I don’t know what to do about it. It’s like being hungry, coming to a buffet but not eat anything because nothing appeals to you, even if there are so many things to choose from. I don’t know. It’s liable to change because that’s just how sexuality works sometimes, but it’s also weird identifying this way for now.
So, yeah, there you have it. I am asexual, I am extremely aware of it, and it has been one hell of a week, let me tell you.
If you’ve made it this far into my post, then thank you for reading! Hope it enlightened you in some way, even if it was just me rambling about myself. If you’ve ever felt this way before, just know that you’re not alone. And, yeah, feel free to leave anything in the comments—if you’ve had a similar experience or if you simply identify as asexual. Let me know.
Until next time,
The DEVil herself 👹
(Side image taken from here)